Finding Balance...

It's been a long time since I have blogged here.

I wish it was because I have been too busy working out to sit down and type.

Not even close.

I have had a lot of things change over the last 6 months. It's pretty crazy looking back. Good changes  but they have thrown me off my routine. With so many changes I find myself questioning everything as far as priorities are concerned. It leaves me feeling very unsettled.

The move has been the biggest impact. It is a great opportunity but requires a lot of short-term sacrifices. Running two households has tied up a lot of financial resources and leaves me feeling like I need to stay home (to avoid spending money) and eat cheap food (to save money). Not a good combo for attempting weight loss.

I have a lot of friends who have had a lot os success with various diet plans and eating regimes. Again, money. But also I try so hard to stay away from processed foods and these chemically created "superfoods". And then there is the issue of food. I love to cook food, study food, read food blogs, and grocery shop for food. A bit of an obsession but I am trying to use this to my advantage and therefore I am not too worried about anything other than eating natural foods, mostly plants, in big variety. Surely this has to pay off at some point?

The workouts however have almost ceased. I am lucky to get 2-3 in the entire week. Winter is here early. My warm clothes are in WI still and without a gym or swim pass it can be pretty cold. I know I need to just suck it up. I think a big part of it is the social aspect. I spend a LOT of time alone right now. If I am going to feel bad for myself and be alone, at least I want to be warm doing it!

Hopefully this pity party will end soon. I need to move on and get balanced.

Failing

I hate running.

Seriously.

I love the idea of it. I read other's accounts of their "running journeys" and I am jealous. This "runner's high" of which they speak has always seemed so foreign to me. When I meet a new friend who is a runner I asked them questions and try to catch a small piece of their enthusiasm (runners always seem so enthusiastic) hopidng that somehow it will rub off on me. I love Title Nine and Athleta with all of their girly running clothes. I love pink running shoes and running music. I love the idea of being able to run virtually anywhere you travel. I love that it is cheap.

For those that know me, I have had running a marathon on my bucket list since the 7th grade.

The older I get, the more this dream gets further and further away. This of all my goals should be fairly simple given that there are no special rules, equipment, or teammates required for running. It is simply a matter of consistent endurance and discipline. Perhaps this is where I strike out the most.

I have always been very good with accomplishing goals that required little preparation or come naturally to me. I do not like to attempt things that do not feel good or that I am not good at. I often only invest time into things that I know have a successful outcome. I hate to fail.

For the last four weeks a handwritten recipe card has accompanied me to the gym with alternating intervals of walking and jogging. Three days a week I have successfully completed what was required. By the end of many of these sessions I am actually grinning through the pouring sweat. (Something I never expected) This schedule is predetermined to ensure I am adequately prepared for race day. This week was the first time that I have been unable to successfully complete the routine.  I felt behind and concerned that I would be unable to reach my end goal with this set back. Monday and Tuesday I completely failed. I really wanted to just say "that was a nice idea, but it isn't for me".

Today was a new day. I did it. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fun. By the end, there was certainly no smile on my face. I honestly started crying. Luckily I was sweating so profusely, I couldn't tell the difference between sweat and tears.

It was tough. The routine was probably something many would look at and say "well anyone could do that". For me it was monumental.

I need to learn to fail.

I came across this timely quote from Elder Paul V Johnson in an Ensign article from 2011 in my reading today:

"Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way. We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete. We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature."

I guess I will be back to the treadmill for more tomorrow.