Finding Balance...

It's been a long time since I have blogged here.

I wish it was because I have been too busy working out to sit down and type.

Not even close.

I have had a lot of things change over the last 6 months. It's pretty crazy looking back. Good changes  but they have thrown me off my routine. With so many changes I find myself questioning everything as far as priorities are concerned. It leaves me feeling very unsettled.

The move has been the biggest impact. It is a great opportunity but requires a lot of short-term sacrifices. Running two households has tied up a lot of financial resources and leaves me feeling like I need to stay home (to avoid spending money) and eat cheap food (to save money). Not a good combo for attempting weight loss.

I have a lot of friends who have had a lot os success with various diet plans and eating regimes. Again, money. But also I try so hard to stay away from processed foods and these chemically created "superfoods". And then there is the issue of food. I love to cook food, study food, read food blogs, and grocery shop for food. A bit of an obsession but I am trying to use this to my advantage and therefore I am not too worried about anything other than eating natural foods, mostly plants, in big variety. Surely this has to pay off at some point?

The workouts however have almost ceased. I am lucky to get 2-3 in the entire week. Winter is here early. My warm clothes are in WI still and without a gym or swim pass it can be pretty cold. I know I need to just suck it up. I think a big part of it is the social aspect. I spend a LOT of time alone right now. If I am going to feel bad for myself and be alone, at least I want to be warm doing it!

Hopefully this pity party will end soon. I need to move on and get balanced.

Failing

I hate running.

Seriously.

I love the idea of it. I read other's accounts of their "running journeys" and I am jealous. This "runner's high" of which they speak has always seemed so foreign to me. When I meet a new friend who is a runner I asked them questions and try to catch a small piece of their enthusiasm (runners always seem so enthusiastic) hopidng that somehow it will rub off on me. I love Title Nine and Athleta with all of their girly running clothes. I love pink running shoes and running music. I love the idea of being able to run virtually anywhere you travel. I love that it is cheap.

For those that know me, I have had running a marathon on my bucket list since the 7th grade.

The older I get, the more this dream gets further and further away. This of all my goals should be fairly simple given that there are no special rules, equipment, or teammates required for running. It is simply a matter of consistent endurance and discipline. Perhaps this is where I strike out the most.

I have always been very good with accomplishing goals that required little preparation or come naturally to me. I do not like to attempt things that do not feel good or that I am not good at. I often only invest time into things that I know have a successful outcome. I hate to fail.

For the last four weeks a handwritten recipe card has accompanied me to the gym with alternating intervals of walking and jogging. Three days a week I have successfully completed what was required. By the end of many of these sessions I am actually grinning through the pouring sweat. (Something I never expected) This schedule is predetermined to ensure I am adequately prepared for race day. This week was the first time that I have been unable to successfully complete the routine.  I felt behind and concerned that I would be unable to reach my end goal with this set back. Monday and Tuesday I completely failed. I really wanted to just say "that was a nice idea, but it isn't for me".

Today was a new day. I did it. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fun. By the end, there was certainly no smile on my face. I honestly started crying. Luckily I was sweating so profusely, I couldn't tell the difference between sweat and tears.

It was tough. The routine was probably something many would look at and say "well anyone could do that". For me it was monumental.

I need to learn to fail.

I came across this timely quote from Elder Paul V Johnson in an Ensign article from 2011 in my reading today:

"Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way. We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete. We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature."

I guess I will be back to the treadmill for more tomorrow.

Still trying to "work things out"...

Seriously, I had to share this pic. I think it is possibly the most accurate depiction of my thoughts on running. It made me laugh so hard I must have burned around 100 calories. I can't look at it and NOT smile.

Things are going ok here on the health front. I still feel that I have not achieved "habit" when it comes to working out and eating healthy. In fact, with the holidays I may have even taken a few giant steps backwards. I am learning new things daily though that will be key in making long-term changes.

My relationship with food for example. Always a touchy subject with me. I am starting to look at it differently. I take cooking healthy delish meals as a challenge now as opposed to a sentence. I am exploring how to use foods that I have despised in the past and even some that I have never heard of before despite my years of watching food network etc. I can't tell you how many times I have asked at the Asian or Indian market for a certain food and I honestly have no idea what they will hand me. It almost like a game in a sense. I like the challenge that it offers. I have discovered that a lot of these things are surprisingly delicious. Lotus root potato chips, quinoa for breakfast, cheese sauce made of cashews....ok, you may have to take my word for it. Again, it has been a learning experience.

I am trilled to learn how inexpensive healthy food REALLY is. Seriously, the dollar menu is a difficult thing to beat. Going through grad school I ate on an extremely small food budget. Luckily I dated a LOT so this helped with free dinners. I always figured that cheap healthy food consisted of raw veggies, rice and beans. Boy was I wrong. Healthy, inexpensive food can be so much more. A 4 lb bag of red lentils at the Indian market for $2.50 will make multiple dinners for us with a few additional ingredients.

I wanted to write today so those following can be assured I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. A few set backs over the last month and a lot of worthless excuses as to why I can't stick with these healthy changes. I will hold myself accountable, pick myself up, and carry on. My gym back is packed so I can resume my 5 am mornings, breakfasts and lunches are packed for me and the Mr., IPOD is charged and my mind is set.

Bring. It. On.

Athletes have eternal perspectives....

It has been a while since I have had the chance to blog on here. My time away has been spent getting back into the gym (a gift from my supportive Mr.). I have been stopping there after ten hours at work I go for 60-90 minutes to try to forget the day. To remove the stressful thoughts that tend to stay with me long after they are welcome. At the end of all of this the LAST thing I want to do is be on a computer. Don't get me wrong, my therapy lies between the lines and letters here. The key is that it is not an additional "must do" on the daily checklist. Tonight I played volleyball with the Mormons. We have a good time. Turns out I am not as terrible as I remember being although I think wearing my glasses may help my case. The weightloss is so slow. I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to the leadership of my church in a worldwide conference last weekend. A few of the speakers spoke about trials and the way that we as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints view them. You see, we believe we are here on earth to improve and overcome barriers. We feel that because we are literal children of God that we can become like Him. I think this concept is unique in the Christian world. So what role do trials play in all of this you ask....they are meant to test us and prove us. If we are not strong enough to begin with, we will work to become stronger.  When I taught preschool years ago, we worked to modify the learning environment to increase opportunities for learning. I feel like this is a simplified version of what God does for us. He molds us and shapes us with these trials. They are required to help us develop the strengths we need to become more like Him. I think about this in terms of an athlete. When an athlete trains for something beyond their physical capacity, they work toward things that are just outside of their abilities. Over time, they rise to the task. I am going to try to embrace this concept of trial acceptance in my journey to athleticisim as well as other aspects of my life. Not an easy thing for me.

Water revelation....

I swim on saturdays. It's a water aerobics class...shhh...don't tell. My hubby laughs at me and believes that I am sitting around in the pool with a group of 80 somethings talking about grandkids and osteoperosis. Not even close. Most of the class are in there 30s and we are weight training, swimming laps, and listening to loud music. I love it! It reminded me how much I love the water. This class flies by unlike a lot of my other workout modalities. I think I just discovered the key behind how to increase my calorie burn....do something I enjoy. Such a simple concept but I am going to embrace it and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Small steps...

The last time I would consider myself to be "an athlete" was probably four years ago. I had the luxury of employing a personal trainer and he had the knowledge it took to transform me. He taught me the importance of six small meals, the evils of sugar, and that exercise would always take second chair to diet. In four short months I dropped 50 lbs and lost 10% body fat. I started running. Still slow but fast enough to get high. Three miles a day meant nothing to me. I looked forward to the gym with anticipation even though I knew the second I got there he would be right there kicking my butt again. I loved the thrill of the journey. I could never see my body change. Seems like no matter what condition it is in, it always looks the same to me. But plenty of others noticed and the joys of shopping in a "regular store" took me over! And I could see my physical accomplishments improve weekly. I was getting stronger!

Here I stand years later. I see a "professional" about my diet and she tells me the same things I remember vaguely from my "athlete" days. I had it all along. She turns something in my memory causing me to remember. I have done this before. That means I can do it again.

When I went off to France I was afraid to leave my trainer behind. He assured me I would be ok. I started my mornings with a jog through wheat fields. Five miles now. The scenery was amazing! I can't describe the rush I received from those morning runs. When I came back to our villa I would swim. Laps upon laps. For the first time in years I was comfortable in a swimming suit. My employer's friend who hadn't seen me in months commented that I looked like a new person. I felt like a new person.

Digging through old boxes the other day I cam across the two piece swimsuit that I had purchased specifically for the trip. It looks so small. I started to cry. I felt as though it belonged to a deceased friend. Old and familiar but also as though I may never see the owner again. Inside me I hear a small voice saying "I am still here". I am taking the small steps I took before. I am praying that somehow they lead me back to that place. The one where I am watching the sun rise over grape vineyards, the one where people approach me and don't recognize, the one where I run and I don't stop. I just keep going.

Running Partners...

So John was walking with me daily for a long time this summer. It has come to a halt since I have had to be out of the house at 4am the last month and a half. We were at the library the other night though and I was reading a running magazine. Sad but I am hoping that reading the articles it will somehow make me faster, better, stronger. At any rate, at least it helps in the motivation dept. The article was about two mothers who were both around 7 months prego and they train for triathalons together. Even being pregnant. I was so impressed by it. More so, I was jealous of the fact that these two women worked at this together daily. I was jealous that they each had someone to push them and show up daily without a flake-out. The discipline, the partnership, the sense of accomplishment. I rallied a friend of mine to take a weekly saturday walk with me. We did three miles. We will work together to make it longer and faster. But I did enjoy the fact that it became a social thing. I was alone on my treadmill. I was able to converse and push and be pushed. It was so needed and I desperately hope it can be a regular thing. It's not a running partner but it is a good friend. I will take it.